Identity Crisis
by Narkness
Summary: Benjamin James. The shiny new toy of Forks College. If only he, weren't a she... Only Bella would meet her half-naked dream man as a man herself. Get ready for a whole new level of awkward.
1. Preface

_Identity Crisis  
_By Narkness

* * *

**PREFACE**

* * *

Bella could not regret her decision now. The girl who had once stared back at her in the mirror was no longer there, instead a complete stranger stared back. Her brown hair, once long and flowing, was short and choppy. The little make-up she had once adorned had been harshly scrubbed from her face. A highly-effeminate teenage boy stared back at her.

She had made her choice.

_Bella would run_.


	2. Chapter One

_Identity Crisis_  
By Narkness

**

* * *

**

CHAPTER ONE

**Foster's Home For Imaginary Genitals**

* * *

The office was eerily free of speech and humane breathing patterns. Bella had, as a force of habit when nervous, distinguished each different noise. The tacky _click_ of acrylic nails against keyboard keys. The soft, almost quiet _whirr _of the air conditioner. The computer, one of the new fancy IMacs, made a dreadful _buzzing_ noise as it processed information at amazing rates. Worst of all, Bella could hear the receptionist's _criticism _from across the room.

Or…_Benjamin _was.

She hoped dearly she could pull this off. Her breasts were strapped severely flat against her chest, they almost looked like pectorals in the mirror. Her pants, shirt, shoes and rest of her clothes had all been covertly purchased from a backwater thrift store on the way here.

The receptionist shot up straight and tapped her Bluetooth headset with authority. Carol's delicate brows arched over the desk at the awkward teenage boy. "Mr. Foster will see you now."

Bella stood up and used the walk she'd practiced for the last week in the mirror. Her hips stayed stationery when she walked. With her suitcase in hand, she opened the oak door, hesitating only momentarily. Stepping into Mr. Foster's office was like stepping back into a decade where wood paneled walls were fashionable. It smelt of ancient books, scotch perfume and the fear of young men.

Bella was sweating profusely before the giant oak desk. The information she'd pulled together and faked wasn't nearly enough, but certainly the money was enough to buy a new wing for the school. _Money buys everything._ Money had bought her a plausible birth certificate as I.D.

Mr. Foster himself was a rather plump man, but towered over even the tallest of men. It was important in a job like this, to be feared just enough it could be passed off as respect. His thick, brown horn-rimmed glasses sat low on his nose as he perused the boy before him. He looked dangerously thin.

_Benjamin James, _according to the application before him. The boy had been homeschooled, and the contact numbers were obscure. _Two mobile numbers and a home phone? _Despite Mr. Foster's doubts due to the lack of parental accompaniment, the kid had a handwritten letter, a schooling application signed and pre-paid for in cash and a covertly disguised wad of cash within the envelope. Mr. Foster had almost choked on his own oxygen at the sight of it. The library was in serious need of repair…

It wasn't much of a decision to make. The boy would be safe from whatever caused him to be visibly shaking here and the library would be teeming with new books, new furniture, new computers and possibly have enough left over to _really _fix the hole in the roof.

"Welcome to Forks, Mr. James."

The rich expensive looking hallways faded when Bella reached the wing of dormitories. The floors, instead of rich white marble, were a cheap, yet easily cleaned vinyl. The colour scheme was the same, yet didn't quite have the same well kept sparkle. A deep sky blue on the walls and white paneling were the same match as the new uniforms she hefted. But the ties were a broad red. _A navy blazer? Grey pants? White linen shirt? _

In all honesty, Bella thought it looked a bit heavy for such nice weather. The only thing weather appropriate was the sports uniform. Navy shorts. White cotton tee. _Sweet. _

Bella thoughts ran over random trivial things, like her new schedule that she would receive tomorrow morning. The tour, given personally by the principal, was impressive. This was why parents sent their children to boarding school… There was no graffiti in the bathrooms, on the lockers, the walls. The classrooms were new and fresh. Computers were unblemished.

Either they had magical cleaning elves, or equipment was replaced each year. Bella guessed the latter was most likely, boys weren't that respectful of property. What surprised her the most was the bareness of the hallways, free of boys.

A glance at her watch told her, according to her estimation, the three hour period for dinner time had arrived. On weekends, the cafeteria was open from six until ten for all day food. _Wow. _…and Bella's stomach was rumbling like a caged cat in a car.

Her steps hastened, as she approached her room number. 121/5. 123/5. 125/5. She was practically running now. _127/5! _She jammed the tiny key in the lock and twisted it sharply. It opened cleanly, like brand new, no jiggling the key nonsense

Her first thought was the assaulting scent of man. It was a rich, yet very clean scent, like rain and…sandalwood. Yet, the room looked almost untouched by another human. To the right, two cleanly made beds with navy bed sheets and bedside tables. She stepped in and closed the door firmly behind her. Her jaw dropped as she took in the entire sight.

The room was _huge_.

To her left, was giant cupboards and in between, a cream door. She discovered it to be the way to a small, yet pleasant bathroom. Compared to sleeping in the back of her car for a week, this was perfect.

She dropped her uniform and suitcase before the end of the empty bed. Bella noticed the subtle items her roommate owned. His alarm clock was an sophisticated IPod dock. Hidden away in the corner near his cupboard, was a portable, yet expensive keyboard. His school bag had been dumped on the end of his bed. His dirty clothes sat in a wicker basket on the floor.

Disturbingly clean. Musical. Most likely dripping with money.

She forwent unpacking her things. What was the point? Food called, but she wasn't quite prepared to face boys in a cafeteria. Bella slipped out of her shoes, and patted down her pockets. A half-eaten, half melted chocolate bar. A packet of sesame snaps. A stick of gum. Three packets of McDonalds sugar. A few dried apricots.

She was in the process of devouring the lot when three, _very handsome, _half-naked, dirty and sweaty boys burst into the room.

* * *

**I never really did intend to post this story. But, I can't sleep and I need to do something with my time. Don't expect regular updates on this, but badgering helps. **

**It's been a long time since I've posted anything, and in between starting a new year of school and Youtubing and getting stupidly excited, my writing has fallen by the wayside. I'm going to try to post every WEEK! YAY! ...**

**Tell me how you felt about it or you'll never get a juicy description of three very naked torsos. Sex sells. **

**- Narkness. **


	3. Chapter Two

**_Identity Crisis  
_By Narkness**

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO  
Boobs According To Emmett**

* * *

Edward wished Emmett had breasts. Perhaps then Emmett would lose all interest in the opposite sex and just talk about himself instead.

This was an unusual thing to wish upon your brother, but Edward was simply sick of hearing about _Rosalie._ Emmett was head-over heels for this girl from _Forks Academy For Pristine Young Ladies,_ who according to him had the world's best breasts and, not that Edward had wanted to know, a _sharp _tongue in more ways than one. Edward had only met the girl once, and found her to be one of those arrogant, rude people, but shared the same odd affection for Emmett as he did to her.

Edward regretted agreeing to go on an afternoon run with his brother. He wished Jasper would catch up already, instead of lagging behind them. Jasper was consequently Rosalie's brother, which sometimes made for some very awkward conversation and death threats. And Jasper didn't flaunt his relationships either…of which Edward was glad, because no one wanted to hear about their own _sister _in crude terms.

Edward just seemed to be having a fairly bad day in general.

His brother was boob-bamboozled, Jasper was being purposefully ignorant and slow, and neither of them was thankfully mentioning the public embarrassment that would no doubt ensue tomorrow morning.

He found it difficult to attend an all boys school, with an all girls school just down the way. He found it even more difficult to maintain a relationship. It was like being on other sides of the globe. The two schools had come to an agreement that the students should never mix, lest they were compelled to fulfill their licentious desires. So the only time where he ever saw a girl or the stranger he often called his girlfriend, was when they snuck out of the school on the weekends.

Edward could understand where Lauren was coming from, but was it really necessary for her to dump him via text message, using chat speak, and claim he was cheating on her. _Right_. He never had a chance to see even her, so he was _obviously_ doing three girls behind her back.

"Cheer up, Eddy-boy." Emmett said, in that overtly big-brother tone, like he held a fist full of wisdom. "No chicks are ever going to do you if you keep sooking."

Edward kept running.

Within half an hour Edward was running for the same reason, to escape, but this time, Emmett and Jasper were intending to tackle him into the precarious patches of mud littered around their running path.

His breath was labored and his legs burned white-hot but the school's looming buildings were in sight. Edward was sprinting across the muddy oval when Emmett finally caught up. Edward's legs slipped out from beneath him, and a bull charged into his back, pushing him down into the mud with it. Emmett's booming laugh filled the open air. Jasper, whom also seemed a little silly, joined in, leaping on top of Emmett.

Although every single bone in Edward's body was severely crushed, he managed to pull himself out from underneath the Incredible Hulk and Iron Man. However, in doing so, dragged his entire front through the mud. There was mud in his hair, on his face, in his ears…in his shoes.

Edward had stripped off his t-shirt long ago, and now had that awkward sensation of a muddy rippling chest. It was squishy.

While a bare-chested Emmett and Jasper were giggling madly at their own silliness, Edward kept walking. Normally this sort of thing would be fine, but he really wasn't in the mood.

"Eddy-boy?" Emmett called after him, noticing his absence.

Edward looked as though he'd been rolled in shit. In a way, he was almost happy there was no girls around him to see him look like this, just teachers that would surely give him a detention for 'disorderly and notorious behavior.'

Emmett and Jasper, thoroughly muddy, got up and ran for him.

Edward bolted for the stair case of the dormitories. Climbing the stairs three at a time, leaving a mud trail with his dirty sneakers…which slightly defeated the purpose of Edward running in the first place. Mud smeared on the marble flooring, and Edward threw open the door to his room as Emmett and Jasper came thundering after him.

Edward had lost.

However, before Emmett could tickle the crap out of him, and Jasper giggle like a little girl, Edward took a moment to notice the strange little boy sitting on the spare bed, cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk, filled with food and an unattractive chocolate smear around his mouth. A very _effeminate _mouth_. _

In fact, the chipmunk even squealed like a girl.

* * *

**It's short, I know, but I'm trying this thing where I just stop trying too hard. :) Due to unsatisfactory reviewing by real people who aren't friends of mine, there was to be no hot descriptive description of torsos. That's right, I'm that evil. I can hear your disapointment from here Stacey. I have no idea where this story is going but I'm determined to finish it before I post my next crap-chapter-wonder. **

**Narkness out. **


	4. Chapter Three

**Identity Crisis  
**By _Narkness_

* * *

**CHAPTER THREE  
****Thanks For The Mammaries**

* * *

Bella's first instinct was to do what anyone else would have done when a trio of yelling mud-men bounded through her door with a great crash: Scream like a little girl. Later, her second reaction was to pause and stare like a retard because, well, she didn't remember ordering sexy male hunks.

She wished she'd had the sense to simply take it like a…err…_man. _Instead, she squealed, which no one should be recommended to do with a mouth full of food. Bella paused mid-shriek as food was propelled from her mouth, onto her pants and shirt. It was too late. She drew a breath in and was spluttering and gagging as she inhaled the remaining particles of food too fast down her throat. Her eyes watered with embarrassment and she fought to find something to say in the awkward stinging silence.

Her eyes were torn from her filthy pants when a boom of laughter reverberated and jolted her ear-drums, and a hand suddenly smacked her so hard on the back that she was almost thrown off the bed and all air was expelled from her lungs with a _whoosh_. A muddy-bear giant was standing over her, his bare belly shaking with laughter.

"Dude, that was freakin' hilarious!" He exclaimed, running a muddy hand through his even muddier hair, it looked dank and blonde. Bella's back stung and her shirt was now wet against her back. _Ew. Mud._ _How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? Hot boys kill brain cells. _"You scream like a pussy." Bella momentarily mentally questioned if _pussies _screamed. _Must be a dude thing. Take it like a man. _

Bella blinked. "Err…thank you?" She internally cringed the moment the words left her lips. She sounded as pathetic as she felt.

"_Who _are you?" One of the mud-men questioned bluntly with a raised eyebrow. He spoke with just the slightest bit of Southern drawl. _Muddy, shiny muscles. _It took Bella a moment to realize that his words required an answer.

"I'm _Bel -_" She began, stuttering awkwardly as she fought to regain composure, "B-Benjamin." Bella almost shouted as she wrapped her lips around the word. It came out to fast and too hurried, like diarrhea. "Benjamin James."

The muddy-Southern monster raised a neat, questioning eyebrow. He was watching Bella like she was mentally retarded. _Fair enough. _

"So…which one of you three is my room mate?" Bella began, trying to speak deep in her throat, but only came out as pathetic rumbling. _Keep your cool. _The tallest started chuckling from behind her.

"That would be Edward." The mud-bear growled, almost rolling around with laughter. She finally noticed the third mud-boy in the bedroom, when a guiding arm poked her in his direction.

…

She sucked in an unintentional breath of air. If the sight had been distracting before, this one slaughtered her brain cells with a chainsaw in a dark alley, pour acid on her nerves and scorched her thoughts to a charred, yet wobbly, jelly-like mass. Yet, her only remaining thoughts were now primitive and instinctual.

_Auburn, muddy hair, messy, twisted and stuck up in all directions. A work of art. Green, Emerald, Jade, Bottle Green, Olive; all those words apply to his beautiful set of peepers. Pale chiseled face, full lips, stubble. Mud clotted and slid down his chest like hot butter. Broad shoulders, muscular arms, lean, almost lanky torso. Shirtless. Mud clung darkly to a thin trail of hair leading down, down, disappearing down to where pants were covering his – _Unngh.

"Is he okay?"

"I think he might be slow."

A big muddy hand waved up and down before her spaced out face. She blinked back into focus and her face grew red-hot. Edward was pure _sex. _

"Hi." She squeaked feebly, her voice broke at the end.

"_I'm Edward Cullen,_" He spoke for the first time. Bella's first though was if it was possible to explode from voice alone. _Rough, crushed, rippling velvet sliding down… - _Her brain had almost jumped ship again.

"Pp-pleasure to meet you." She stuttered, leaping unsteadily to her feet and wobbling. Her regurgitated food hit the carpet, splattered with a sickening chunky vomit sound and spread into every pour and fiber. When she glanced up in the sickening silence, emerald eyes were narrowed at her. Edward was glaring at her like something nasty on his shoe.

She was a clumsy fool. Her lips moved before she could realize, and it was too late to take it back, "I gotta pee." She stammered, her feet finding floor and making ground. However her foot caught and slid on the vomit splatter, she stumbled, expecting to meet carpet, instead she reached out and ran into a muddy Edward.

Everything moved in slow motion, as her hands, not finding correct ground, slid down his slippery chest and scrabbled south, as they fell to the ground.

…

"Get. The. Hell. Off. Me."

Her hands were down his pants.

* * *

**I'm back in action. Please accept this poor excuse for a chapter as an apology for my absence. Never fear, descriptive torsos are here. Reviews make me squee like a fan-girl. **

**A special thank you to my awesome reviewers! I love you guys more than Apple Pie Yogurt, which is a lot. I do have block exams soon, but as always, sporadic updates are to be expected. **

**I know I want my hands down Edward's pants...Review for more. :)**

**- Narkness. **


	5. Chapter Four

**Identity Crisis  
**By _Narkness_

* * *

**CHAPTER FOUR  
****She-Males Don't Cry**

* * *

The silence stung Edward's ears like jellyfish tentacles. It screamed in his ears, a shrill ear-splitting pain. He watched like an observer with wide-eyes as the boy slipped, and crashed forward. His legs were rooted firmly to the carpet, unable to move as Benjamin reached out to right himself. Edward could feel the unmistakable feeling of falling backwards, and his head met the ground with a thump, around the same time he registered the warm little hands in his pants.

His head was wiped clear of thought like a chalk board, as he stared dazedly at the boy above him. Benjamin's face was an inch or two from his, staring with the same dazed stunned look, with big brown doe eyes. They came to an understanding. Edward had been tackled by other boys before, in fact only minutes earlier, but never had he felt warm at their touch. Then again, he'd never had another boy's hands down his pants, but it was wrong, he knew, to be feeling electric hot arousal.

Something twitched and Edward blinked.

"Get. The. Hell. Off. Me." Edward listened to himself say, his face contorting to anger. Automatically, Edward brought his hands up, and forcefully pushed the smaller boy off him. A harsh shove. Benjamin looked just as stunned as Edward felt, and scrambled to his feet. The boy bolted for the bathroom, and the door slammed after him. The noise echoed, and ricocheted around the walls.

Edward, with shaky legs, stood and faced his friends. Emmett had a soppy half-grin on his face, as his brain struggled to keep up with the sudden events. Jasper's eyebrow was raised, looking sharper than the pair of them, proving that Jasper had just committed the entire scene to photographic memory. Edward would be questioned thoroughly at a later date.

No words could find themselves leaving Edward's breathless lips. No plausible excuses. Nothing to explain what his friends and himself had witnessed. He stood dumbfounded before his muddy friends, his mouth hanging uselessly and closing like a fish. His feet found the floor long before Edward's brain formed a sentence. He quickened his steps and was out the door and down the hall long before Jasper and Emmett realized.

Jasper turned to a shell-shocked Emmett, who had finally caught up. They too shared a knowing look, and sighed.

* * *

Edward was angry, but above all, he was afraid. His fear had absolutely nothing to do with the darkness of night around him, around the bench where he sat, looking to the forest. He'd been afraid of the dark when he was younger. Edward had felt fear, been afraid of people, but never of an emotion, a feeling.

Because, above all, _he was _not _gay! _

_Edward Cullen, top cross-country runner and member of the baseball team, _was not gay.

He had never, ever, _ever _expressed any form of interest in _men _and was the epitome of all things manly; _just as long as those photos of him as a five-year old boy dressed as a girl never escaped the deep, dark recesses of his wardrobe. _Edward Cullen was a known lady-killer; _and now labeled a _cheating-_lady-killer if Lauren got her way. _

He couldn't possibly be gay.

Edward was shocked and disturbed. He could understand being aroused if it was a girl's hands down his pants…but a boy? He should have yelled and shouted and throw the boy off him instantly. Hell, he should have stepped out of the way.

Why, why did Benjamin James choose now to come to this school, be set as _his _roommate and begin to burn all the walls he had so carefully build around himself, his persona? Edward was a man in both body and soul, and he would bury those desired feelings deeper than those photos, and scrub at his brain until only a thin residue was left.

A wolf howled in the distance.

* * *

Bella wanted to bash her head repeatedly against the stark, bleached tiles. _Idiot, idiot, idiot. _Bella had wanted to stay miserable and invisible, just a silent observer. _Stupid clumsy feet. _She was going to blow her entire cover! By some major fault, Bella had totally overlooked the mammoth possibility that her roommate would be attractive, or that boy's would still affect her brain cells so.

_What had I expected? A nerdy, chubby boy with boundary issues and World of Warcraft? _Bella knew it was going to be _impossible _to simply view them as asexual Barbie dolls. The possibility that her roommate would be sex on legs was so astronomically impossible, it made her head spin. _Stuff like this only happens in really stupid, girly fanfiction. _

And it really didn't help that her mind kept replaying the moment over and over, like a sick montage, as she twisted and fell. She cringed and fought back the memories of warm feelings, that _electric shock_of desire she'd felt, his warmth against her body, lips so close to hers, heavy warm breath, hooded eyes just like – _Jake! _

A door opened in her mind and Edward was replaced with a brown eyes and a muscular, tanned expanse of dark skin. _Jake…_ As much as she'd tried to lock Jake away in the depths of her dark heart, Bella was too weak to be cold. _Traitorous heart. _Bella was a slave to her emotions and as far as she'd tried to distance herself from those issues, they followed her, stronger with each step. Stalking her.

Bella lay down on the floor beside the sink, curling up in the locked room, as sobs racked her body.

* * *

Hunger turned out to be more important than a shower, we learn so as a still-crusty muddy Edward trudges along back to his room from dinner. He is in fact so scared stiff that his fingers tremble as he twists the knob into his room…his now _shared _room. Edward breathed an uneasy sigh of relief at the sight of an empty bedroom. Nothing had a heartbeat. _Good. _He took off his crusty shoes by the door and rested them on the floor at the end of his bed. His eyes narrowed at the sight of food smears of Benjamin's side of the carpet.

His fingers jerked and his eye twitched. Edward knew exactly where the sponges were, and every ounce of his being ached to scrub that carpet until that patched turned white. Edward _hated _mess of any kind. He reached for the bathroom door-knob, and turned with little success. It didn't budge. This was a new development for him. Doors were _always _open for Edward Cullen.

Then, his heart stopped.

…

Well, not really.

Through the door, which did little to muffle the excellent acoustics in the bathroom, Edward heard little, hiccupping sobs. Having enough of _awkward _for the rest of his life, he turned on his heel as if nothing had happened, and strode down the hall with a towel in hand. He knocked on Jasper's door. It opened.

It was the shocking _grin _flashing Emmett's perfect pearly teeth and Jasper's eyebrow that told him Edward should prepare for the worst. He gulped, and made a run for the bathroom door. They tackled him to the floor before Edward could reach the one-meter mark.

Edward groaned. He was going to have the most spectacular carpet burn now.

Emmett sat on his back, and Jasper crouched in front of Edward. "Let the interrogation commence."

* * *

Around sometime that Bella presumed to be ten at night, she dragged her sad pathetic ass from the bathroom floor and crawled to the door, reaching up and unlatching the lock. But, first she pressed her ear against it. It was all clear, that was _until "Like A Virgin_"rung out loud and clear and she froze.

There was growling and shuffling, before the music ended and a short, sharp "Hello, Lauren," was bit out by Edward. Exiting the bathroom now would be admitting that Bella had sat on the floor crying for the past three hours. However, not exiting the bathroom would be admitting that she _wanted _to listen to Edward's conversation with _Lauren. _

She was torn between the two, before shoving her guilt deep and pressing her ear against the door with renewed vigor. Edward had quite conveniently turned his phone to loud-speaker. Bella could hear every word, not that much of it was coherent sentences.

"_Cheating bastard! I hope you –_" The screechy voice hurling abuse through the speaker was suddenly muffled, as though it had been silenced by a pillow. It was just muffled yells until a minute or two later. Edward spoke.

"Please, leave me alone Lauren. Go have your way with someone else. We're over, you made that clear." Edward sounded bitter, which made Bella's wimpy heart pound. It took a certain amount of care to feel bitter about something. The yell of '_cheating bastard' _made her want to assault Edward, beside the obvious size difference. Bella refused to make an exception for a cheater. Once a cheater, _always a cheater. _"You dumped me, remember. That lovely little text? _I H8 U. Its ova._" He ground out, and a phone was slammed shut viciously and made a resounding 'thump' as it was thrown across the room.

There was no resulting sob, like a girl might. But instead, it was eerily quiet aside from Edward's heavy breathing and the blood rushing through Bella's eavesdropping ears. The phone rang again and Edward had leapt to his feet, grabbed the phone, and apparently, turned off his phone.

Her pathetic heart slammed against her ribcage. _Dumped gutlessly. _Bella knew how that felt. No one, not even a filthy cheater deserved that.

_Poor Edwa- "_Ahh!_" _

The door she was so fervently leaning against suddenly shifted and slipped away and she crashed into someone's shins. Bella looked up, Edward was glaring down at her. _Shit. I am so caught. _Her cheeks flooded with embarrassment, and she found little time to admire a freshly washed Edward Cullen.

"I wasn't ahh… listening to any of that, by the way." Bella blurted, jumping to her feet rather quickly. _Idiot_. She inwardly cringed the moment the words met her ears. Her voice was so full of pity. Edward was glaring at her with hardened, bitter, hurt green eyes.

"Stay. Away. From. Me." He growled, pushing her out of the bathroom, and slamming the door shut behind him.

Bella blinked.

* * *

**This chapter is actually a little bit heavier than the others. What with plot and all, stepping on-to the scene. It couldn't be a story without plot, unless it is a slasher story…which it isn't. Sadly. LONGEST CHAPTER TO DATE. :) Proof I love you guys and my fantastic reviewers. **

**P.S I mean no offense with Edward's perspective of homosexuality. He's a seventeen year old male, that's his opinion. **

**Dedicated to Stacey, for putting up with my strange obsession and returning the love…for fanfiction. :)**


	6. Chapter Five

**Identity Crisis  
**By _Narkness_

* * *

**CHAPTER FIVE  
****More Than A Woo-Man**

* * *

Bella's nightmares did not have a soundtrack, or ominous music to warn her of the coming danger. Instead of being able to wake in a cold sweat, Bella slept on right into the nightmare. In fact, it was just like slipping into real life, free of italics and bold warnings. Just slipping, _slipping…_

* * *

Bella had in fact slipped like normal to a place where real dreams took place. No magic castles or stylized fields of green and purple flowers grew. Actually, her dreams began in a fashion that had her fantasizing about a grand feast, to fill her empty stomach.

Real life Bella munched sleepily on her downy pillow, drooling and snoring happily.

Her dream changed in a bewilderingly quick and yet subtle fashion that saw the food miraculously disappear from her hands. Because, now it was just a room, dark and empty aside from the goal. If she looked hard enough, the only thing she saw was _Jake. _He stood at the other end, his arms beckoning, welcoming. Her dream self threw herself into his arms as dreamlike as hers.

Real Bella gasped and rolled and cocooned herself tighter in bed sheets, dreaming on.

Jake was murmuring sweet nothings that sounded distinctly musical, as dream and reality danced and mixed and flirted and exchanged phone numbers. Neither of the two Bellas found it absurd or strange that Jake was whispering the piano tune of Clair De Lune.

Real Bella rolled to dangle her tangled limbs over the edge of the bed.

"Forever," Jake whispered, Bella's heart constricting with a funny feeling that could have been acid reflux. So much love, hearts pounding, lips meeting, dream shimmering…

Bella watched herself, wrapped tightly in Jake's arms, face buried against his neck, hiding from view. Sweet nothings turned to a slamming shuddering of piano notes in reality. A growl of frustration.

The dream spun on an axis. The girl in Jake's arms was no longer her, and provoked fear at the very sight. Pale skin, long dark curled hair, red lips, thinner, taller and more beautiful. Her sister, her _Reneesme. _

Jake's lips met hers in a sick parody that made her chest squirm like maggots. It was deep long and passionate, she watched on, unable to stop them, breathless. Their lips broke hours later, only to catch their breath.

"Mine now." Reneesme's wicked red lips murmur, her face contorting to smirk, licking her lips like a satisfied cat. Her smile remained as she slowly absorbed Jake, melting together into the black abyss, an all consuming mass. "Forever," a sinister giggle, "_Mine_."

"_Jake!_" Bella cried, trying to sit upright, but instead tangling her ankles in sheets and fell harshly and suddenly to the floor, tossing herself out of her dream. She blinked.

_No Jake. No evil sinister monster disguised as sister. No black abyss. _If only it were a dream…_it was reality, memory. _

In fact, all she could see was blue carpet, seeing as she'd mashed her face into it and gotten a mouthful. _Nothing quite like the sting of carpet burn_. She noted with interest the harshly paler scrubbed slice of carpet, smelled like bleach. Bella froze when she distinctly remembered that she wasn't sleeping in her car, but, sharing a room. Bella, blushing hotly, pushed herself up on her hands.

Edward stood by his own bed, straightening his tie and slinging his backpack over his shoulders. "Class starts in ten." Edward stated rather matter-o-factly. It takes Bella's mind a moment to comprehend what he said, he looked handsome in his uniform. He turned without taking a glance at her, and as he closed the door behind himself, Bella couldn't retrain the urge to yell.

"Wha…I missed breakfast!" She scrambled to clamber to her feet, but as always, only stumbled as her feet twisted in the bed sheets pooled around her ankles. She ripped off her clothes faster than one could mention, "Orgy."

* * *

It took Bella exactly seven minutes, thirty-four seconds and twelve very tiny parts of seconds…if we are being exact, that is.

Then it was exact that it didn't take _ages _for Bella to find her classroom, if it did take an _age _it wouldn't have mattered if she were late, everyone would be dead. Instead, it took her two minutes, forty-two seconds to even actually find the correct staircase.

As fast as her chicken legs could carry her in her too-big pants she perused her map in hope of discovering the secret of her first class' location. _How on earth could be so difficult to discover an English class? _

Panic mode set in.

"Hello?" A taller blonde boy stood above her, blue eyes and a pleasant grin. "Can I help you…" His blue eyes lingered, glancing up and down. "gorgeous? I'm Mike Newton." Mike outstretched a hand.

Bella looked at it like it was an offer from Satan. _A very fabulous Satan._

* * *

******First of all, yes, yes, I went there. **

**Also, according to my sister, this is the **perfect **place to end the chapter. **

**Chapter title song: More Than A Woman - Bee Gees. **


	7. Chapter Six

**A/N: In short, I'm sorry. I dedicate this to all the patient readers, who have put up with my humungous delays. Thanks. **

**

* * *

**

**Identity Crisis  
By _Narkness_**

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER SIX  
Get Your Hands Off My Homo!**

**

* * *

**

Edward was curious about Homosexuality. Or in the very least actually identifying it. It was doing his head in, trying to figure out what identifying factors were. It wasn't like anyone had ever given him a proper explanation. Normally, there wasn't much identifying to do, because it was quite easy to spot the two boys making out behind the bleachers.

But, Benjamin was a mystery, and the puzzle pieces scattered across the floor. Ben wasn't groping another boy behind the bleachers. But Edward's own _reaction _to coming into contact with the boy _had to _be induced by emanating homosexuality. Surely screaming another boy's name in his sleep was a factor, unless of course, Benjamin had a rather close relationship with his brother…or friend, also named '_Jake_'. Those effeminate, wimpy features could probably be explained by genetics.

Edward did the only thing his rational mind could think to do. He weighed up the for and against argument and put the boy in his mental, 'suspected homosexuality' list. His rational mind refused to consider Benjamin wasn't the homosexual roommate in room 127/5. He couldn't talk to his friends, and wouldn't be caught dead checking out a book at the library. His only rational options were the internet or his father. Internet won in favor of zero sex talk. The first time had been awkward enough.

Last night, Edward's thoughts had been consumed with nothing but self-pity and loathing over Lauren. That changed when Benjamin woke with yelling. It consumed his thoughts throughout English and right up until lunch. Few paid much heed to his distraction, Edward was always deep in some form of though. He was crossing the damp, green lawn to the cafeteria before he finally had a thought outside of _operation homo_. Emmett and Jasper were thundering across the lawn towards him, their shit-eating grins were probably due to being free of the stuffy library for spares.

Instead, for once, they actually surprised Edward. No one ever could have foreseen the pair voluntarily falling to their knees on the wet lawn, bowing and screaming, "_We are not worthy!_" repeatedly.

* * *

"So, what's it like rooming with Eddy-teddy?"

Bella looked at Mike like he'd spontaneously sprouted an extra head, or had proclaimed he was Queen of the Dance. "What?" She spouted, less than eloquently and sounding every bit the part of clueless testosterone.

In the sparse moments that Bella had known Mike, between first class and first break, she'd already taken note of his character and knew to expect anything to be said. The boy knew no shame. _No shame. _Words were not edited, just spilled out like a cringe-worthy fanfiction.

"I know," Mike agreed, shrugging and exhaling, "Eddy is more like a slinky mountain lion, Emmy seems more like a big, huggable teddy. Either way, that boy is_ sex on a stick_."

Bella blinked. She wet her lips.

Mike leaned forward on his elbows on the lunch table, eagerly awaiting any single syllable to reach her lips. "Come on, spill the goods Benji-boy!"

_Goods…_Mmmh. Bella's burger, probably made of moose hooves and E. Coli, suddenly became captivating as her cheeks flushed at the thought of _goods. _Eddy-teddy's goods to be precise. "He is…umm…very…" Bella stuttered, struggling to find much to mention that wouldn't reveal her stance over the boy, "_clean._" She choked out.

Mike's eyebrows rose excitedly at the unspectacular news, as if it were Christmas. "I imagine he is. One does not look that good without an intense amount of time in the mirror." Mike sounded almost forlorn then, hoping to hear that Edward's look was perfectly natural. Bella was no judge of male sprucing.

"That wasn't what I -" Bella began to correct, but Mike's puppy-like demeanor meant he sat bolt upright, beaming happily at an approaching someone. Bella whirled around to trying to figure out just who had Mike's tail wagging. She should have known better.

Edward Cullen was glaring severely at her, clutching his lunch tray with white knuckles. "We should invite him over!" Mike began cheerily. Before Bella could pray that the floor would fall out from beneath her, Mike threw his arm up in the air, "Hey, Eddy!" He cried across the cafeteria, so _everyone _could hear. _No shame. _

Bella tried to use her newly found mind-powers to either A: cause spontaneous combustion of herself, or B: restrain herself from stabbing Mike in the eye with her spork. C was henceforth chosen, which involved staring very, very hard at the bleached table-top until she was dizzy. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment as Mike began to wave his arm around wildly until he had Edward's attention.

Footsteps sounded, coming closer and Bella's heart did an odd tap-dance on her ribs. This was the _last_ and _only_ time she was accepting friendship from a fabulous Satan. A hand slammed down on the back of her chair, and she jumped. Mike's expression had changed from puppy-like anticipation of a pat, to about-to-be-hit-with-a-newspaper.

"Hello kiddies. How's the _homo convention _going?" Bella wasn't sure whether to be relieved that it wasn't Edward or not. The back of Bella's chair was jolted again, as a very tall, tanned boy leant over the table and proceeded to open her burger, and spit in her lunch, as if to say, _Welcome. _

* * *

Edward expected strange and unusual from his two best-friends. He expected irritating acts of sock tie-dying, crash tackling, secret interrogations and scrawling _I love penis _in permanent marker on his face while he slept. Once, they even stole his piano. _Once. _And yet, for all the stupid, unpredictable things they did, Edward was rather confused as to _why _they were screaming _we are not worthy _on their knees and flailing their arms up and down while bowing.

At first, his jaw slackened. Then, secondly, his cheeks burned with irritation as Emmett and Jasper found another way to embarrass him in front of his peers. Edward liked to think he was somewhat respected among the school, and yet, his friends had none. "What are you doing?!" Edward snapped, ushering them up. Boys had paused on their way to lunch to stare around the wet lawn. "Get up, idiots."

Emmett and Jasper leapt to their feet, not bothered by stares and whispers. "Dude, you totally didn't tell us you cheated on Lauren! We just heard you got with Tanya _and _Jessica last weekend. You're like a _legend_ now."

Edward's stomach plummeted with disgust. "_Tanya _is my cousin!" He defended. "I didn't cheat on anyone with anyone!" Edward bellowed, his hands clenching around his books fiercely.

"She's your adopted cousin." Jasper reminded quietly, slicing open a whole new bag of worms. "I told you it wasn't true." Jasper whispered, and Emmett looked put-out. Jasper punched Emmett in the arm and Emmett punched Jasper automatically. Edward's mental capacity was filled and his eye twitched.

Suddenly, a low growl filled the air, and Edward smacked the two simultaneously with his four-inch thick Biology textbook. His feet found the footpath and the two watched dumbstruck as Edward stormed off. The sky opened up with rain again. Emmett rubbed his head, and reluctantly shelled out the ten bucks to Jasper. Jasper smiled, pleased with himself as they strolled toward the cafeteria.

* * *

Being a _legend _wasn't something Edward fancied, and he made that perfectly clear to everyone as he stamped into the building with a petulant pout and breathing like an angry bull. His bag was thrown down in his seat and his textbook hit the table with an echoing _slam_ of lamination meeting the table top. It jolted the entire table. Edward pushed himself through the lunchtime crowd to fight tooth and nail just for a piece of generic, slimy non-meat.

The last time Edward had a _hamburger_, he was in bed sick with severe diarrhea for a week. Instead, even in his state of confused anger, took a salad and an apple. Edward held his tray and turned. A feeling of great annoyance seized the pit of his stomach. _James. _

James was perhaps the single most annoying, rude outlet of testosterone in existence. That and, the bastard was forever trying to beat his long distance running record, with a fair amount of success since they were five. It was still powerful competition. And most horrid of all, James liked to rub anything in Edward's face if it could, sometimes literally. The room wasn't large enough for his ego and his big head too.

Edward bristled and gripped the tray hard enough to sink his fingers into the plastic. His suspectedly homosexual roommate was sitting with the only well-known fruit in the school. If that wasn't bad enough, James was well-known for his induction hazing. It was going to be ten-times worse with the social stigma of making friends with Mike Newton.

And as if it couldn't get any worse, Newton threw his arm up and called to him wildly, drawing the attention to his new counterpart, who was staring at him with wild eyes and flushed cheeks. It didn't go unnoticed by James, who, after a mere chuckle to his own counterpart, began to stroll across the cafeteria with an obnoxious gait.

Edward knew he had split decision to be made. The first was to close his eyes, and pretend this was just another student hazing. But, his heart wrenched like a bastard over the second as James pressed his hand into the back of Benjamin's chair, his lips forming something maliciously and reaching for his food. The second turned out to be catapulting himself across the room, as James spat into the _vomitburger. _"What do you want, Assward?" James asked, as Edward found himself standing above him.

Something unusual was bubbling up inside him, much larger than the out-burst of hitting Jasper and Emmett. In fact, Edward wasn't violent natured at all. But for once, he felt it for only the third time in his life. The first had been when his neighbor had run over his cat. Uncontrollable anger.

James was the neighbor and the cat seemed to be either Benjamin, or at least his lunch. He wasn't too sure. Edward did what his seven-year-old self had wanted to do many years ago to a particularly obnoxious Mustang-driving wanker. He was taller now. Edward threw his tray at James and decked him.

* * *

Life seemed to travel in slow motion after a most terrifying Edward threw his salad at the accused. Bella was frozen stiff as lettuce, tomato and beetroot went flying, with a dash of mayo into the hair of the boy. She was partially grateful, and squeaked in surprise as Edward punched the boy with a great ponytail. Bella was rather certain that people didn't go around punching people at her old school.

Bella found herself sliding, petrified from her chair, as Edward swore as the pony-boy retaliated easily and leapt on him. Things were escalating as someone else threw food at the two of them, as they wrestled through punches. Edward had matted potato in his hair and swore noisily at someone who was quickly named _James _in shouts. A crowd was forming, chanting happily. James' cheek was smeared with mayonnaise and had a little in his eye as he drew back his fist to try to hit Edward. He missed and Edward took a swing.

Bella though, despite her horror, that their fight might be more successful if the two weren't rolling around on the ground. She tilted her head, and shuddered at the thought. The two boys had now found it far more booming to mash each other menacingly into piles of food being thrown good naturedly.

"Oi!" Came a shout that had all involved quivering in terror and undoubtedly raining on their parade. Bella and the rest, turned to stare at the man in a red velour tracksuit. No body laughed, even as the comical man reached down to easily pry to two boys apart as if they were merely kittens. "_Principal, now!" _The teacher bellowed in their ears, and shook them upright. "_What are you all bloody staring at? Eat your food!_"

Bella didn't believe that someone in velour could command such terrific attention. Her bottom found the chair before it could find the floor and she watched Edward and James go. It was an usual feeling she felt. She passed off for nausea at the sight of avocado mashed into beetroot and potato. It was just plain unnatural.

Mike sat with a slice of lettuce adorning his pale blonde hair. He looked puzzled and a little…pleased. _Ew. _Mike swallowed nervously. "Can I – ah," He looked down at his food, away from her, "would you like some of my chips?" He offered casually, as if all were _perfectly normal._

* * *

The rest of the school day was new, different, and entirely surreal. But, even as Bella tried to focus on her Biology teacher Mr. Banner, her thoughts still slipped back to what Edward was facing in that Principal's office, hopefully a shower eventually. She'd never been defended like that. Mind you, James did seem to be a total asshole, what with the spitting and un-inventive insults. Bella wasn't upset like most girls should have been at Edward's undoubtedly hidden violent side. Who knew two boys wrestling in food would _entertain her_. Bella bit her lip hard, and unintentionally cried out as she drew blood. _Idiot. _

The class was staring, the lecture disrupted. Bella kept her head down. The rest of the class though she was an idiot too now. No one bar the teacher spoke to her, and Bella was almost forlorn that Mike had a biology partner across the room. It was just an empty space beside her. Edward didn't make an appearance for the rest of the day.

Neither did James for that matter. Mike told her to be _very _thankful for that, as they walked to Gym. "He is gorgeous, but in an evil way, you know?" Mike said conversationally about James, pushing open the door. Bella just nodded and smiled. She'd been introduced to Mike's small unit of friends in the second lunch break. Thankfully, the two were terribly straight and fantastically unattractive to her. Conversation was _easy, _disturbingly.

But, now Bella was faced with her worst nightmare the shape of red velour and sweaty gym shorts. It had been hellish as herself, but as a pansy looking guy, she knew she'd be eaten alive. It was just badminton! She told herself.

"Come on," Mike added, "Locker room."

Her heart plummeted and she dragged her zombie feet toward the ominous sign of _Boy's Locker Room. _She really was a class A fool for not taking sport into consideration. Mike pushed the door open, just a little and Bella had already seen enough. _What is – Oh. My. God. _

"I think I'm going to be sick." Bella stammered, "I'm sorry." She had no idea why on earth she'd said that, probably poor writing issues, but she'd just seen hell, and it wasn't _pretty. _She ran, without thought for the consequence.

* * *

Edward had spent the _rest _of the day sitting in a room, doing anything _but _considering the consequences of his actions. James was a wanker, Edward was doing a favour to everyone by taking the bastard down a peg. He was sure the secretary was giving him a smile of congratulations. What he couldn't stand was the thick clod of food on him, and had cleaned himself meticulously with nothing more than a handkerchief and a sink in the bathroom the first chance he got.

After hours of explaining _his _side of the story and having his _father _fucking called down to the office, they released Edward with little chance of getting a half-worthy dinner. It was hotdog night, and all the good ones were always gone within the first forty-five minutes of scrambling and name-calling. His cheek was bruising up swimmingly as he scraped through the almost empty cafeteria. There was nothing but a mutilated sausage in half-bun. He took it. A seventeen year-old is ruled by his stomach. He was sure he had some energy bars stashed up in his room somewhere.

When Edward clambered up the halls and back to his room, he'd almost forgotten he had a roommate. Benjamin was sitting on his bed, reading, _Wuthering Heights? _Jesus. The kid jumped when Edward stepped in and tried to hide the book under his sheets. "Hi." He squeaked.

Edward grunted, and locked himself in the bathroom for an hour of severe scrubbing. But, no amount of hospital grade soap could scrub his mind clean. He _hated _it when they called his father down to the school. All he did was look very calm and then look pointedly at him, with such disappointment. He expected a tearful call from his mother sometime this week.

Ben was waiting, it seemed, when Edward stepped out in his only pair of pajamas. Previously, he'd had the luxury of just boxer shorts, but was strangely uncomfortable with that now. They were his hospital pajamas, from when he'd had his tonsils out last year. He liked the hospital, and all that artificial air and sharp smell of disinfectant.

Edward threw himself down into bed and flicked off the light.

"Thank you." Said a small voice, after a stinging time. The kid was _thanking him_? For what? _Oh. _

"I didn't do it for you." Edward grumbled, rolling over and pulling up his sheets. He hoped he'd just drop it, and Edward could return to the land of the straight and manly.

"Still." Ben murmured, "I hope you didn't get in too much trouble."

Edward bristled now, for an entirely different reason. "I'm not allowed to compete at next month's long distance run, along with detention for a week." It was the worst punishment possible, to ban a man from sport. Edward was pleased though that it meant that James wouldn't be either. "Now, shh!" Edward said hurriedly, in the silence and pulled his pillow to his chest protectively.

"I know you don't like me, but does this…make us friends?" Edward was beginning to wonder if this kid listened to a word he said. He thought.

"No." Edward said briskly, just ready to shut-up and sleep. It was like rooming with a drunk Emmett all over again when they were kids. "Just…" Edward wanted to give this kid a chance, because there wasn't many people he knew who would thank him and apologize, "Acquaintances."

Benjamin let out a sound that sounded like a pleased sigh. Edward shivered at the girly sound, it did funny things to his stomach. It was strangely enthralling, that this was the longest conversation they'd ever had, and weren't even looking each other in the eye. There was sheet rustling and the other lamp was turned out. "Goodnight."

"Night." Edward whispered, but it turned out to be to no one in particular, as soft snores came almost instantly from the other side of the room. _Definitely like a drunk Emmett. _Edward slept contentedly that night, his hair free of potato and his cheek swelling up bright black and blue.

**

* * *

A/N: Life is a fantastic writer's block. **

**Also, I'm going to pretend that receiving no reviews on the last chapter was a fanfiction malfunction. RIGHT? **

**I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE PREVIOUS, AND FUTURE, HOMOSEXUALITY JOKES. The views of Edward Cullen and all young men involved do not represent my own. :)? **

**Chapter Title Spoof: _Get Your Hands Off My Woman – Ben Folds Feat. Corn Mo. _**

**I'd really love some feedback, to know if I'm doing something wrong, or something right, or completely offending someone's mother. Even if it's just to tell me to update soon. Also, I'm available for BETA-ing in my spare time. Hit me up. **


	8. Chapter Seven

**Identity Crisis  
**By _Narkness_

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

**Pain In My Pants**

_Acquaintances. _Bella thought about that word when she stirred from her slumber. It rolled off the tongue beautifully and she was exultant. She stretched, she yawned, and rolled. Her goofy smile grew. She had plenty of time until breakfast to get ready. A head of bronze was grooming in the open bathroom, brushing his teeth and trying to flatten the hair that stood upright on his head. In his _jim-jams. _Bella smiled, and for a moment, forgot the pretext for why on earth she was here.

Feeling around, she found her own new, short boyish hair was too sticking up awkwardly. Her heart clenched, _even boys had bad hair days. _Bella slid her cold feet into her slippers and shuffled into the bathroom. Her toiletries were disturbingly neatly packed on the _left _side of the room, much like had happened to her shampoo and soap. "Morning." She said, cheerful, and picked up her toothbrush.

Edward grunted and spat. _Ew. _Bella had originally known that boys were shameless and gross, but had at least hoped, this was an act put on for public places to impress their mates and disgust their parents. Unfortunately, Edward had now proven the theory wrong. He wasn't even polite about the spitting, or try to cover his mouth. She took note of his manly behavior and spat as horrifically as she could, with noise and all. Bella was rather proud of herself.

_And then, _she finally saw his cheek. It had been too dark last night and in the harsh light of day, Bella saw the price of being a manly man. The only pale, flawless cheek was now bruised with ugly blue and black. She was genetically predisposed to feel pity for him, drawing out a maternal instinct. Edward ignored his razor, knowing better than to shave around a bruise and stroked his stubbled cheek. He rather liked it.

Bella liked it too, remembering a stubbled cheek against hers once… _Bad. Very bad train of thought. _She was a strong manly, man who was abstaining from thoughts of Bella. She was Benjamin. Benjamin didn't have a broken heart. Although, he was only invented just last week, he'd been born in a little back-water town surrounded by corn fields in Indiana, his mother's name was Julia and his father was Benjamin Snr, who was a local car salesman with a crooked moustache. Benjamin wanted to grow up to be an attorney, own a Mercedes and cheat on his trophy wife.

It was the furthest thing from who she really was. That was why she was here. To erase herself and to partially find herself. It was just too hard to be Isabella Swan, with a broken heart and poor excuse of a family. She was born right here in Forks, Washington of a young and hastily married couple. It was only the barest of memories she held, of rain and her father's aftershave.

Now it was just the distinct smell of her new roommate, which was apparently a mixture of heavy, duty soap and a sweet scent she couldn't put her finger on. It was undeniably masculine, with an undertone of deodorant and rich shaving creams. Bella still somehow smelt of her old strawberry shampoo. Edward stepped out as Bella convincingly began to lather her cheeks with shaving cream. The bathroom door closed on her and she figured he was getting changed as she gave up the guise of shaving. She just washed her face instead, stinking of the spicy cream.

Edward emerged in just under five minutes, doing up his tie and tucking up his cuffs. Bella watched from the corner of her eye as he _spruced. _She could now comfortably tell Mike Newton that yes, _Eddy-teddy _did spend a copious amount of time trying to get his hair to sit right, as unmanageable as it was. Bella decided she rather liked being _acquaintances_.

* * *

Edward, however, was fighting an unbearable eye twitch. He was sure he'd said _acquaintances, _not _bathroom buddies. _He had meant that acquaintances were indifferent to each other, and generally, like a stranger on the street, stayed out of your way. This stranger was in _his _street and quite frankly, kept spitting noisily and making a mess of the mirror with globs of spit. Edward didn't barge up into Benjamin's side of the mirror, spread his things around and projectile spit. And to think, last night, he'd gone to sleep peacefully.

Now, a bare light of day saw him face _consequences _of bruises, obnoxiously-friendly spit and disappointment. He dreaded the reactions of Jasper and Emmett, who he was sure had been throwing peas with surprising accuracy at the fight. It also left him with a torturous week of free afternoons, banned from running with the track team and henceforth the events. He'd have to take up a new hobby, like perhaps, new and inventive ways to kill himself. Or, probably clean the ceiling again and polish the windows. Edward was sure insanity was to ensue if his roommate kept making a mess and violating his space with uneven shampoo bottles.

Edward prayed, as he tied his laces watching his odd roommate make sure every angle of his hair was sitting right, that he could slip out. Because, he _was not _going to eat breakfast with a mini-talkative Emmett, and let mini-Emmett have any form of conversation with actual Emmett. Armageddon would ensue. He got to his feet and crept out the door, rather pleased with himself when no one came screaming after him.

* * *

"Dude, you completely _nailed _James," Emmett declared, rising to greet Edward as soon as he entered the cafeteria for breakfast, "I hear you knocked one of his teeth out. Somebody won't be smiling when the dance rolls around," He raised his thick hand in hope of a slamming high-five, but instead, Edward ignored him without any form of disgust, taking a seat.

"He can't run in next month's track meet, he was a shoe-in," Jasper murmured to his verbal-filter-impaired friend, pretending Edward couldn't hear over the sound of munching and crunching. His eyes didn't even drag away from the _Guns & Gals _he had sitting on the table.

But as always, Emmett was insensitive.

"Tough break, dude," Emmett said, offering some semblance of a reassuring frown, "I mean, it's rough enough that Lauren dumped you, but now, you can't even -" Jasper smacked Emmett across the back of his head, with starling accuracy.

Jasper's eyes remained on his magazine, finding the comparison of _Lady South_'_s _mammoth mammaries to the latest chrome handgun that could kill a man with optimum blood splatter. It was rather enthralling subject matter, especially the boobs. There was always something about a lady in cowboy boots and a strategically placed hat.

"There's always the month after next month's meet," Emmett continued, despite the two warnings, and Edward let out a long, grating groan before planting his face against the laminate table as the gravity of his loss hit him. No track meet. _No qualifying for Districts. _The sure and distinct creeping feeling that several kinds of flesh-eating bacteria crawling onto his face from the filthy tables did not bother him, "Aren't you hungry?"

"No," Edward ground out. He was a teenage boy, he'd already perfected the art of wallowing and sulking.

"When a dog doesn't eat, that's when you know there's something truly wrong," Jasper whispered cryptically, before taking a bite of his heavily buttered toast and bacon, "My Ma used to say that," Satisfied at dispensing this wisdom, he went back to his munching silence, running his fingers only momentarily through his curly hair, spreading cooking grease.

There was a moment of silence, and yet again, Emmett missed an opportunity to be quiet.

"Hey, dude, it's your roomie," He declared, a bright grin plastered across his face, despite the early hour, "You!" Emmett called out, but failed to grab the boy's attention, even as his eyes flickered around the lunch room, "What's his name?"

"Benjamin James," Jasper offered indifferently and Edward flinched. As if the humiliation couldn't get any _worse. _

"Oi! Benjamin!" Emmett roared, vibrating the tables with the sheer volume, and leaving Edward's ears ringing, "Come sit here!"

Benjamin appeared a dorky deer in horrific headlights, clutching his lunch-tray nervously. He approached just as nervously, eyes surveying the table of three boys.

"Is it alright if I…" The boy began to stammer, glancing at the only spare seat, beside Edward, who appeared to be comatose.

"Dude, sit your pansy-ass down."

* * *

Bella couldn't begin to understand how boys socialized with each other. It was like accidentally driving into the French part of Canada, and having to ask for directions from strange smelling folks.

Bella didn't speak French.

So when, the monstrous man with more testosterone than a bottle of steroids called her over and called her a pansy-ass, she was inclined to think it was simply friendly banter. Maybe insults were the male equivalent of a female '_of course you can sit there.'_

She was actually thankful _someone _had invited to sit. She couldn't see Mike anywhere in the cafeteria, her flamboyant savior was gone. But she couldn't help but hesitate, the group made her nervous.

Actually the emanation pheromones from Calvin Klein model potentials were, but Bella tried not to dwell on that. She cleared her throat thickly, and slammed down her tray with a little more force than necessary. Edward flinched, yelping as the noise was magnified in his ear-drum pressed to the table.

Bella squeaked as she realized what she'd done in an attempt to keep up her boyish ruse, and scrambled to apologize, but cut off the words, realizing how stupid she sounded. Edward narrowed his emerald eyes at her, before burying his face in his folded arms on the table once more.

"Thanks, erm…" Bella started, realizing there were other members at the table.

"Emmett McCarty, Eddy-boy's brother by law," The monster-mash held out a greasy hand, with a strip of bacon dangling from his open, chewing mouth, "Senior. Football squad," He added, as if this was important knowledge for her to know.

Bella took it rather reluctantly, as Emmett shook enthusiastically and just about dislocated her shoulder, "Erm, Benjamin. Senior. Haven't been assigned a sport," She decided, letting out a gruff, awkward laugh on the end, and flickered over to the second boy who'd burst into the room like the _Thing From the Swamp_.

"Jasper Hale," He didn't bother to offer his hand, it put Bella little more at ease actually, "Don't eat the scrambled eggs," The boy put on a half-smile, looking up from his semi-pornographic magazine. It was subtle, but perhaps this was how boys initiated friendship. Bella nodded back, putting on an appropriately stoic look and scraping the runny yellow substance from her toast.

"So, any of you seen Newton…" Bella inquired, putting on her best uncaring impression and taking a stab at the sausage on her plate with her spork.

"Newton has homo-explosion on Tuesday morning," Emmett blurted, chuckling like it was some hilarious joke, but the laughter fell alone.

"The English Department and the Drama Department have an illegitimate child each year, and call it Shakespeare. I think it's _The Twelfth Night _this time," Jasper said, still not looking away from his enthralling magazine. At least he wasn't being rude.

"Isn't that the one where the dude and the chick hook up and say stuff and then die?" Emmett asked, sounding just a little stupid. Edward snorted, revealing that he had in fact been paying attention.

"That's _Romeo and Juliet, _you douche," Jasper said, sipping a cup of juice. Emmett's face turned a shade of purple.

"What the hell is it about then?" Emmett bit back, embarrassed.

"Mistaken identity," Bella piped up, and almost immediately wished for once in her life, she'd just shut her mouth. Three sets of eyes focused on her warily. "I…ah, my girlfriend made me watch _She's the Man_," Bella quickly backtracked, not entirely a lie. Bella had read every Shakespeare novel there was and owned a copy of them all. She'd made Jake watch it with her when he refused to watch Bas Lurmann's version of _Romeo and Juliet. _

"That's Shakespeare?" Emmett asked, frowning, looking at Bella, "I thought it was just like, men in tights and stuff." Bella tried not to flinch as the man ran his greasy fingers through his hair. "I mean, Mr. Harriet is always saying crazy shit. He must be into guy on guy or something, always blathering about _traditional Shakespeare_, you know," Emmett ranted and then swiftly shut himself up with a piece of toast.

* * *

While Edward was doing his best to just ignore Benjamin James and the urge to murder Emmett, his ears pricked up at the mention that Benjamin had a girlfriend. _Impossible. _It went against all the clues Edward had compiled and the relief that washed through him only served to make him more confused.

If Benjamin wasn't gay, then his reasoning pointed to the fact that Edward himself was trapped in a huge closet of denial, put there all by himself. _Crap. _

"So, Benji, what brings you to Sporks?" Emmett asked casually, but the humour of the statement appeared to pass right over the head of Benjamin. "You know, a spork?" Emmett declared incredulously. Benjamin still looked at him blankly.

"I don't get it," the boy said, with a shrug, casting his eyes around the room. Edward did his best to pretend the boy wasn't there, looking at the back marble wall. But his irritation and depression over the track meet was over-come by the need to avert the Emmett-Benjamin apocalypse, when the two boys figured out they could talk and talk and talk for hours.

"A spork, a spoon and fork hybrid," Jasper offered, like some kind of interactive dictionary. He turned the page casually and tore a piece of toast apart with his fingers and ate without looking. Jasper's careless attitude annoyed Edward more often than not. Today was no different.

"Oh," Benjamin said, as if enlightened and examined the cutlery at hand closely. "You mean this pronged spoon?"

Edward found the appropriate time for facepalm action and Emmett's eyes grew as wide as saucers. He held his own spork up to his face. "I never thought about it that way," Emmett cracked a wide smile, and his laughter vibrated the table, and cut through the cafeteria like a thrashing elephant. "Dude, you're insane!"

Benjamin smiled weakly, and then even accompanied Emmett in his laughter. Edward tutted darkly and Emmett threw a look at him.

"Why you always got to be a bitch this time of morning, Eddy?" Emmett growled, annoyed to have Edward cutting into his discussion on the finer arts of disposable cutlery. "Go eat something."

Edward all but poked his tongue out at Emmett, pushing his bottom lip out and burying his face in his arms on the table once more. "I don't deserve food," He grumbled.

"Oh please, Mr. Martyr, _woe is me, _at least you're alive, healthy even," Emmett replied, in an unprecedented display of actual humanity. Jasper raised his eyebrow at the usually crude young man, "Rosie made me watch a documentary about starving children around the world," Emmett said with a shrug. Nothing particularly amusing could top a subject like that, and Emmett was met with a quiet crowd. "Where was I?" He asked, looking toward Jasper, as the moderator of all conversations.

"You were asking Benjamin as to why he currently attends Forks Academy," Jasper interjected casually, and turned another page.

"What he said," Emmett said, fixing his gaze on Benjamin. Edward glanced up at the boy through between the table and his elbow. He was curious to get answers too.

"I…ah," Benjamin shifted uncomfortably in his chair, as most people did when faced with questions from Emmett McCarty, "My dad wants me to get a better education, I guess," The boy said, but his eyes looked anywhere but at Emmett. Edward found it strange.

"Forks specializes in sporting achievements," Edward muttered, and wondered if anyone would actually listen. Benjamin's eyes bugged out and then, his cheeks flushed. Edward ducked his head, feeling that odd burn of attraction once again.

"Well, he went here when he was a boy," Benjamin said, after a short time, "I know it's a long way from Ari…Indiana, but…" Benjamin shrugged and offered a slightly awkward smile.

Emmett guffawed, and the table shuddered, "Dad only sent me because Eddy can't handle being alone at school."

"Emmett," Edward grumbled warningly. God, he _loathed _being called Eddy, Ed, Eduardo, or any other kind of warping of his name. It wasn't like Edward was particularly hard to say, and Emmett wasn't a toddler anymore who couldn't get his w's out.

"It's nice here," Emmett said, glaring hard at Edward for interrupting, "Although it would be better if there was more time to see Rosie," Emmett continued with a pout.

"Who's Rosie?" Benjamin asked, with what sounded like a healthy curiosity, but Edward was annoyed to see the two getting along.

"My sister," Jasper piped up, before Emmett could describe Rosalie with terms of boob-endearment.

"We've been dating for just over four months now, ever since Jazzy here and Rose moved up from the deep, deep South," Emmett proclaimed in a dreamy tone, "She's got this fantastic set of ti -" Emmett began, but was swiftly cut off by Jasper, who all but growled.

"Emmett, verbal filter," Jasper drawled, but his eyes fixed hard on Emmett, enough to make Sasquatch shake slightly, "My Rosie is a lady."

"With a damn fine ass," Emmett muttered additionally under his breath and Jasper's eyebrow twitched dangerously. Emmett stammered to find a new topic, "So, do you have any brothers or sisters?" Emmett asked Benjamin.

"Um," Benjamin was stalling, apparently hiding some kind of mental deficit, Edward thought.

"Is Jacob your brother?" Edward piped up, hating seeing that awkward look on the boy's face, and eager to have the conversation over as quickly as it started. Benjamin's eyes fell to him.

"Boyfriend," Benjamin blurted and then flushed and stuttered. Edward's heart thumped in his chest, "I mean, he's my sister's boyfriend," Benjamin covered, with his cheeks flushed with embarrassment, "He's a real asshole," Benjamin said, rolling his eyes, "Just a sister, Bella. How'd you know Jake?" Benjamin asked, casting a suspicious eye over him that made Edward feel a little ill.

"You said his name last night in your sleep," Edward blurted, but the words came out quickly and mangled together, and Benjamin's eyes grew wide and opened his mouth to say something and –

Well, the inappropriately loud, _loud-speaker _had an announcement to make.

"_This is the last notification of auditions for The Twelfth Night_," The loud-speaker voice declared, and everyone was clutching their ear-drums in agony, "_Sign-up sheets are still located outside the English and Drama staffrooms. Please refrain from putting graffiti the sheets," _The voice was terribly bored, and Edward soon recognized it as Mr. Harriet's teaching assistant, Morag, "_Auditions will take place this afternoon at three-thirty, please arrive at the performance hall at three-ten. That is all." _

The blasting of sound left the patrons of the cafeteria with ringing ears, and only piled up on Edward's dilemma head-ache. Of course, Emmett, who Edward wasn't entirely certain was all human, maybe part-sasquatch, recovered first and chuckled deeply.

"Like I'd ever be caught dead doing that," Emmett bellowed, and laughed loud and made Edward's head hurt. Jasper snorted at the thought and even Benjamin joined in, chuckling.

Edward found the noise pleasant, not ear-splitting and he found himself admiring Benjamin's features, albeit slightly girly, and that sting of attraction was back again. He growled, and buried his face back in his crossed arms, covering his ears.

That was it, he decided, Edward was going to find a girl to make-out with.

* * *

**I've been busy, busy working with **_**joyindenver**_** on her SVM story **_**Unwrapped. **_**I suggest you check her stuff out. **

**A/N: I would like to thank the unknowing boys who provided a base for manly, obnoxious behavior for me to write about. Your stupidity has been invaluable. :). **

**Also, I want to apologize for not realizing that it is in fact a new year, and not posting. I hope to continue this regularly, but I can't make any promises. Thank you to everyone who reviews and supports this story, without it, I'd probably just become a crazy cat lady. I also want to apologize for the Canada joke, and anything else I make that is utterly offensive, I didn't do it, it's Edward and Bella. They made me. **

**P.S: Look at all the words! **

**Pain **_**In My Heart **_**– Otis Redding. **


End file.
